My Mind Is Giving Me False Alarm

“My mind is giving me false alarms.”

That thought has been with me for about two weeks. Not off and on. It just stayed.

I tried what I usually do. Coming back to the breath. Staying with the present moment. The drishta bhaav that has let me take a step back and look at myself from a little distance.

None of it stopped the thought.

Which was a strange place to be, because I was being challenged on the one thing I thought I had got somewhere with. Drishta came to me quite effortlessly. I have written about it here in other pieces, and I think part of why I wrote about it was to confirm to myself that I was progressing. That I was becoming conscious of my mind and body most of the time. That I was rarely away from those eyes.

And then two weeks where the eyes were open and the thought would not go.

Today the thought is gone. There is no alarm running. But the drishta is also not as evident as it was a couple of weeks ago. I don’t know what to make of that. Both of them left around the same time and I can’t tell whether one was holding up the other.

I have been going back over those weeks trying to find the trigger.

What I could zero down on was Bombay. I had to travel for an event I did not think was required. I said so. I was convinced otherwise, and then my boss asked me to go ahead and attend, so I went.

I had lunch there. My gut was saying there is no point in this. And somewhere around then I started reading about the utility of the whole exercise, and after that it was one thought and then another, each one sinking a little deeper.

None of them had any material in them. They were random. Stupid, most of them. And still I was desperate, restless, anxious.